When I was a kid, I wanted to be just like Martin Luther king. When I slept at night, I would dream that I would be speaking, and then all of a sudden, I would be shot and killed just like him. This was a reoccurring dream that I had from aged six until I got hit by a car in 2002. Then, the dream changed into me getting killed because I offended someone. After the Zimmerman trial, the dream changed into someone killing me "just because."
I've always had the drive to seek out truth in all forms. It got me in trouble at home, and it got me in trouble with the students at school because I "asked too many damn questions," much to disapproval of the kids who just wanted to get the hell out of that particular class in the first place, lol. The teachers LOVED it until I got into college. Both the students and teachers hated to see me coming. I earned a reputation for bringing up various points or addressing things that the teacher said in order to justify their borderline or blatantly racist beliefs that were inserted into the curriculum. Students retaliated via various passive aggressive ways and teachers did their own things to get back at me. I was labeled as "aggressive", and "outspoken", or a person who "thinks she's too smart," when the real reason why I had become this kind of person was that I kept wanting to know why these things were happening to me when I was a kid, and what caused all of them to happen to me and other people throughout my life. This prompted me to do a lot of research and figure it out.
Now that I can answer many of the questions I've been asking myself, I've known for quite some time, THAT is what makes people uncomfortable around me, and THAT would be the reason I was killed over and over in my dream, and hit by a car in real life.
To this day, sociology and psychology are my favorite subjects. I read about this stuff in my spare time so I can completely and fully understand what is going on around me. And that ability to understand what is going on around you has the potential to break a person because you become the person who has to explain over and over to people who ask these questions, but aren't really seeking answers. All they want to do is say, "NUH UHH, That's not how/why, etc."
This is why a person needs to read. Don't just pick up a book, open it and recognize the words, and pronounce them in your head. Look them up. Research the footnotes and references to what the author is talking about.
But guess what? No matter how many books I read, or how much breath, or how many keystrokes I waste my time with, somebody will find a reason to kill me, and they will do it by any means necessary if they should feel so inclined to. I think that was what the first dream was trying to tell me when I was a kid. I was pretty depressed growing up anyway, so why not, right? Why not die prematurely. This country ain't shit, and there are a lot of people in it who aren't shit, and they will try to justify their right to be "ain't shit" people. Silly me for thinking otherwise. tongue emoticon As a kid, I had a sense that a lot of people fit that description, but I really hoped that if I had the chance to grow up, maybe I'd meet some good people. I've met a few, but they are far few and in between. Some of the "good people" I've met in person have shown themselves over the years, and I'm just plain tired.
Anyway, I can't call it. Please feel free to pick apart what I said, tell me to smile because it would all get better, tell me to pray, send hearts, etc.
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