Random Thought #4

So a couple of days ago...

I was out walking my dog, and I was thinking about everything that's going on lately.

And I got even more upset than I'm already am.

I've been depressed and very angry.

And belligerent.

And I had some really horrible thoughts that I couldn't talk about.

I started hyperventilating...

And then I got even more mad than I was before.

I knew I needed to calm myself down, so...

I asked myself the following (I know NONE of you are really ready for this, but I said to myself)...

"Do I really need to roll myself a blunt?"

I already understood why many Black people smoked weed. But it was another moment where I completely understood it loud and clear. But I didn't always think that way:

When I was a kid, I knew many people who smoked weed. I really didn't care what they did, but I knew I wasn't going to be the one. I was drug free and I was going to stay that way even though those who smoked it were okay by me, meaning reefer madness was obviously NOT real.

However I didn't want to smoke it because I was not built like that. I subscribed to the lore that said it would make you dumb and forgetful.

I prided myself for my memory (and I still do), so I wasn't interested in loosing it.

But it changed when I ended up in an accident (car vs pedestrian, and I was the pedestrian).

At that particular time, I smoked it to help relieve pain in my back and legs.

And it worked.

I was against the idea of it being good for medical reasons because I was under the impression that people wanted it legal just so they could be high all day (YES, I was judgmental as HELL for that, I know).

By then, I had dabbled with it, but I had no pain at the time so I didn't believe it could work.

But I grew some brains after experiencing real pain and having the option to relieve it after opiates and NSAIDs (over the counter pain medicines) didn't work.

Fast forward to 2012:

I was shoveling snow (because it was the only exercise I had time for during the winter) and my back began to hurt the day after. I thought it was due to the workout, but it stayed sore for a year and the pain began to spread. By then, I had had several tests done and I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis, and degenerative disk disease.

I tried smoking it again for medical purposes.

It helped me do all of the activities I enjoyed and I was very active again.

2014
After many many tests, and previously prescribed medications, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

I didn't even know what it was and why it happened.

I began to do research about it, and I found that marijuana helps ease the symptoms, and that being under unusually heavy stress for long periods of time can trigger fibromyalgia.

2015.

So here I am, dealing with Fibro and learning more about myself and dealing with my surroundings.

I find myself being short with people, and I call out foolishness more and more.

But deep down, I am angry with myself because all of my life I was always active and had physical strength.

People described me as positive, "happy go lucky" and goofy.

Now I am angry.

I'm still goofy in person though, which is nice, I guess.

However I feel like some sort of pariah.

Part of me wishes so called modern medicine would help me live a normal life.

But all it does is make me dizzy, and literally give me new kinds of headaches  (Seriously,have you ever had a jumping headache?  It really jumps inside your head! ) and all kinds of bizarre symptoms.

But I'm more alive than I've ever been before (No thanks to modern medicine).

I am more careful and patient when observing situations in order to assess them.

My critical thinking skills are sharper than they've ever been.

And I am thankful for that.

However, I can't call it.

I feel brand new, tired, and constantly in pain.

I don't even know which direction to go half of the time.

Oh well. I'll figure things out. But so far, I think I'm okay with the direction I'm headed.

Anyway, I'm going to finish off this bottle of wine.

* I never did roll that up...