Moments of Clarity

People usually talk about their moments of clarity as if they are joyous, freeing, and wonderful. For me, that part exists, BUT no one REALLY discusses their feelings during said moment. I decided I'd do that with you in a 2 part format: Before the moment, and after the moment.

Before:  I had an inkling of what was going on before I reached my moment of clarity. I knew how things operated, and all I could see was the impending mess that was coming as things happened. It got to the point where I could predict things before they happened and move accordingly.  

But it was baby steps. 

I thought I was doing the exact correct thing at that time but in reality, I was only doing a small piece of what I needed to do to reach this moment. And it still wasn't enough, and I knew it.

So I went to work seeking out what I needed to find.

What I found was something BIG. Something so incredibly deep that I really had no idea how I found it.  The catch was that I already knew how deep it was, but now I'm just digging into the top surface. 

After:
I dug deeper and deeper, and now I am astounded, awestruck, angry, depressed, anxious, relieved, and  really fucking tired. Not just tired from lack of sleep, but mentally drained, exhausted, and feeling deflated, and I have panic attacks from time to time. 

And yet after all of that heaviness, the biggest feeling I have is anxiety. 

But my head is clearer than it has ever been before. 
I know what I must do, and my purpose before going through this moment of clarity still suits my actions. I just need to be more careful, concise, patient, thorough, and cautious. 

And I'm just in the start of this thing. And this thing is really, really BIG. I'm talking a drop in the bucket type big. Like a single person in the universe type big. And I'm pretty close. 

I'm pretty close.