America's Irrational Fear

You know what? America worries waaay too much about what's going on with Black people and Dylan Roof is proof of that. He said that Black men rape his women, and that we are taking over even though he killed mostly women. His manifesto mentioned Trayvon Martin, Black on Black crime and Black on White crime not being reported (even though the cases mentioned have been resolved and the aggressors have been tried and sentenced accordingly).

That sentiment is as old as this country, and it still gets passed down to several generations.

Has anybody ever figured how America is invested in making sure that White people are viewed in the best light possible? Could that be why they pretend crime doesn't happen in their neck of the woods to the point where less than favorable statistics get hidden and couched in "soft language" if the media grabs hold of the information? Have they figured that America really needs a "bad guy" so after they thought they were done making sure the Native Americans were thoroughly portrayed as the bad guys, they continued to put their focus on Blacks?

Could it be they kept that legacy going by distributing propaganda about Blacks in America to the point where people in other countries ate it up? Could that be the result of why people from other countries come to The States and cape so hard to the point of compromising their integrity by any means necessary? I'm not just looking at Bobby Jindal, and Brown border patrol members. I'm looking at Don Lemon, Rachael Dolezal's husband, Mia Love, Ben Carson, and Raven Symone, etc I'm looking at YOU too.

Could it be that White America is so obsessed with Black people to the point of trolling their spaces in person or online, or by disguising themselves as Black in order to make any and all issues about them because they felt left out (Rachael Dolezal, John Howard Griffin cough cough) instead of creating their own UNIQUE lane that gives White people flavor without stealing the seasoning from other people's cabinets? And when something along the lines of that gets brought to their attention, they show up in droves just to make disparaging comments or throw racial slurs at said Black person even if their messages are positive, or change the subject by derailing the conversation, or by presenting loaded questions they really don't want an answer to.

Could "feeling left out" be the reason why they enter all of our genres of music under the guise of "making it better"? Could this be why when they enter our genres, they win all of the awards, and become the "standard" even when their songs really aren't that great? Could it be that whenever a Black person speaks about issues in this country, somebody comes from out of nowhere to say ‪‎#NotAllWhitePeople‬ or ‪‎#AllLivesMatter‬ even though that's a given? Could "feeling left out" be the real reason why White people feel the need to say "Hey! We're oppressed too because freedom of speech and political correctness is ruining us!" every time they're faced with consequences for doing or saying something really messed up?" Could this be why whenever they get caught doing or saying racist things, they find a non White person to cosign the foolishness as if they can never stand on their own two feet and be accountable for anything?

The whole thing looks like a metaphor for The Spice Trade to me because they steal from those they feel are lesser in order to make money. It's like they said, "Fuck substance, get money." and actually lived by it.

Google "The Spice Trade" to see what I'm talking about.

Anyway, Any time some racially motivated crime happens where Black people are the victims, it's always about fear. Fear of Black people. It's why Black people have to "be approachable" It's why respectability politics exist. If you look at respectability politics and examine the definition, it really means "What does a person have to do in order to be 'respectable' to the people or person in power?".

But they fail to recognize that when Black people did for themselves, were respectable and pulled themselves up by the bootstraps, it wasn't enough so they had to burn down Greenwood in Tulsa, Oklahoma out of rumor based fear and jealousy.They also stole the farmland belonging to Black farmers.  ‪

(Google "Black Wall Street, Little Africa" and "Whitecapping" to see what I'm talking about.)

Respectability politics are designed to keep Black people begging to be respected. That's it. Respectability politics are why victim blaming exists. It's why older people don't respect younger people. It's why some Black people choose to talk mess about those they feel are "not respectable" to the point of Black shaming. It's also why each time something racial happens, some Black people choose to engage in shaming their own. I can't do that because I can see what's going on. Each time a Black person shames their own, it continues the cycle of supremacy. They can say something along the lines of "See? They don't even like themselves! Haha!"

Respectability politics are a trap. It's a deep long, winding trap that has corners and pits that people don't really look that far into. That being said:

I have faith in the young people. I see what they're doing. BUT sucking up to the mainstream media and big orgs is NOT the business. It's a form of respectability politics. They want to be liked SO bad that they clique up with people that don't have their best interests in mind.

Those orgs, and mainstream media look like the creepy person with the rape van talking about "candy" or a "free puppy" to me. They are designed to kidnap people and do what Ralph Ellison mentioned in his book titled "Invisible Man":

"Keep This Nigger-Boy Running".

They do it by derailing people and controlling how they move. They appoint a "leader" and that leader may report to someone else. That someone else could have a paycheck (candy or free puppy) in store for those following them, or they might simply deny access to things or issues that need to be addressed.  And the media sucks it up so people could bask in it (asking Black people for forgiveness).

If there are any young people out there, all I could say is this:

Don't be gullible and watch what people say and do. Move accordingly. Stay focused on what matters and don't let anybody derail the issue. Watch for snakes and wolves. Don't sell your$elf out in order to gain friends. Those friends may not be who they say they are. "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." is more than just a facebook meme or rap lyric. The real trick is knowing exactly WHO your enemies are. Keep moving forward. And remember there is no one singular direction. Choosing singular directions is a good way to allow yourselves to get derailed. Stay focused. Be safe. Be prepared. Be brave. Be brazen. Just BE.

On the Charleston Shooting Aftermath

I'm hearing a lot of stuff after this mess happened. People are trying to play ally as if they actually cared. Here's what I have to say about it:

For those who say that "we're all human" and "we're all equal" rhetoric:

If we're so "equal" and "human" why do we get killed because of racist people? Why do we have to deal with racist tendencies just for existing? Why do you think WE (Black people) are the ones who have to "confront racism" when we aren't the ones acting like damn fools whenever Black people dare to fuck up their lily White atmospheres at any given moment in time? Why do you tell Black people to practice love, throw out some bible verse, or start talking about praying in order to quell or scare, or silence our grievances?

Confronting racism is White people's work. Not Black people's.
Black people: Stop trying to side with these liberal fools. They'll turn on you and smile as they do it. Pay attention and watch how they move.

White people (and any folks who fit) : Stop asking Black people about how to confront racism. After all, we aren't the ones dishing it out.

PSA: to all White people who feel slighted by what I just said:
Racists are using you as a target to hide behind. Are you willing to let them do that to you in order to hold on to your job, your money, your friends, your family, your so called livelihood? Because that's what you're doing.

Let this be known. I have had a lot of practice in losing. I lost family when I was very small. I lost family just because I was born.
I know what it's like to be truly alone in this world. I'm not talking about being around friends/family, etc and feeling lonely.
I'm talking being completely solitary. I'm talking about not talking to people I lived with for years at a time. I'm talking about not talking to people even though we shared a room, clothes and a bed.
I'm talking about going to school and not saying shit the entire day. For weeks at a time. I'm talking about walking the halls while muting out all sounds just to fight back tears. And then going home and not saying shit to anybody unless they say something to me first. And doing the same thing while working. I did that for eleven years back to back, starting from aged 6.

So if I could face the world while dealing with all of what I dealt with (without going into too much detail) , then you could stand to walk using your own two feet without standing on the backs of other people. You can be accountable without throwing other people under the bus and coming up with elaborate excuses to justify shitty behavior by people who look like you.

But I'm wasting time writing this because whenever Black people talk, we're just talking niggers to these people. That's why if we speak "proper" (which really translates to above fifth grade American English), it's noted that we "speak so well", but nothing actually sinks into the mind of the person we're "speaking at". If we're eloquent, THEN we're "articulate and smart" but still, nothing sinks in. If we offer suggestions or ask questions while at work, we're contrarians and we aren't team players because nothing sinks in.

White people, fix your shit. It isn't up to Black people to do that. That's YOUR fucking house. This ain't "The Help" nor is it "The Butler". I'm not here for making you feel all warm and fuzzy. Seek that out in your partner. I'm not here to mentally jack you off, nor do I seek that in you.

This will be the only post I will make regarding this sort of thing in regards to White people and their peculiarities when it comes to dealing with Black people.

And American media needs to stop asking Black people to speak on what to do about racism. They're the spin doctors of this shit. How about stop spreading the ‪‎fuckery‬?! That's a basic ass solution. Stop asking Black people to play Blues Clues with your grown ig'nant asses.

America goes full retard all day, every day.
And anybody who wants to focus on feeling hurt after reading this can GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT BULLSHIT.

Ole cowardly, non executive decision making asses. [/rant]

Whose Defending Rachael Dolezal and Why

Ok. I know you're tired of hearing about this woman, but I promise this is going to be my last post about her. A lot of people have jumped all over themselves to defend this woman. Now I already mentioned those supportive of the #Transracial movement and what their motives are, but here's a flip side that no one has explored. The twist is that it has a lot in common with that movement and here's why:

I said that the transracial movement is about the attempt to redefine what race means, and how it's really about White Supremacy. Look deeply at who is defending her and why. I already addressed what White and non Blacks have invested in Rachael Dolezal, but what about Black people who share the same sentiment? 

The same people who defend her are the same ones who:

1. Believe that those were Michael Jackson's biological kids.
2. Gave such a pass to Bill Clinton because he "got head" under the desk of his White House office while he was president.
3. Let their White and other non Black friends say "Nigga" because they were the ones who gave them permission.
4. Didn't feel "Black enough" in the first place because other kids called them "sell out", "oreo", etc "because smart equals 'wanna be White'."
5. Married a light skinned person in hopes their children wouldn't be dark skinned like themselves.
6. Have a complex about Black women, but have voiced it through various negative behaviors towards them.
7. The ones who want to be accepted so bad by White people that they use the "black on the inside" argument to appease them.
8. The ones who secretly believe that White women are fragile and need to be coddled, cared for and protected.

     9. The ones who are afraid of White backlash against them. (job, etc)


Long story short, these people wanted to be accepted by White people so bad that they will compromise all and anything in order to feel better about themselves.  For those who say otherwise really need to GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! Here's why:

Take a look at any and all anti Black propaganda. They told us our hair is bad. They told us that we are dumb and that education is for White people since it was once illegal for Black people to read or write. As a result, sometimes kids who got gassed up by their parents and other adult relatives, took "being smart" too far to the point where they alienated their peers. The kid might have just been socially awkward,which caused them to feel angry about the experience. This could have caused the kid to resort to sticking their nose in a book and claiming that people don't like them because of their intelligence, when in reality, they were just a cornball ass kid that annoyed the hell out of people.

They told us our complexion is bad and that a lighter tone is better and more approachable if you're born Black (see one drop rule), so darker Black people married lighter Black people in hopes the children weren't as dark. They told us that Black women are loose, hoes who deserve what they get if they look "seductive"via history, rap music, etc, so men cat call and treat women like shit when they get rejected. As a result, many many slurs were invented to portray women and those slurs are littered throughout our music. The mainstream music thrives on Black shaming, denigration, and belittlement while so called lyrical artists remain overlooked. The media enjoys parading Black people who shame their own in order to promote and keep anti Black sentiments.

As a result, this creates insecurity, vulnerability, a low self esteem, and resentment, which leads me to the following observations. 

Now people have been talking about this so much, BUT they've been focusing on the wrong things. They want to compare her with Black women wearing blonde weave, skin bleaching, and straightening their hair. But this argument goes back to how they didn't fabricate entire racial identities to live lives as White people, nor did they fabricate hate crimes.

They want to bring up Black women in interracial relationships. They want to talk about how Black women in said relationships can not be pro Black, while comparing that Black woman to Rachael and her antics while ignoring her husband's role in the whole thing. In fact, he was complicit in the whole thing and is just as guilty as Rachael is. 

But they fail to understand that none of the other women and men in interracial relationships tried to fake an identity to the point of accusing people of rape and hate crimes while wearing Blackface.Those men and women went through life as their birth race. Not only that:

People have been trained to view White women as weak, fragile and needing to be protected. This is why they cape for her so bad. They echo what they've been taught to believe and they don't even know it.  But I see exactly what they're doing and why...

Like I said before, believing in the legend of White Supremacy will make a person do strange things, including calling this woman "a diamond without all of the blood behind it." <<Yes. Her husband actually said that. 


I'm done.

Rachael Dolezal, I know why you lied.

I've been mulling this thing over in my head. For those who have been following my blog, please view the previous one titled "The 'Race is a Social Construct' Movement" for further details.

I asked myself why would somebody want to do this. Who would take the time to be that dedicated to a full blown lie to the point of lying about hate crimes?

Now, I saw the wedding picture of her with her Black husband, so I had to ask more questions: What would cause her to make that transformation because apparently it happened after she was with her husband. But then again, there was a divorce in question that took place according to her story in The Easterner . I'd like to bring her timeline of events into question here. According to that article, the following happened to her:


In 1996, she moved to Jackson, Mississippi, to pursue a four-year degree in art with a full ride scholarship.

She met her now ex-husband and afterward moved to Washington D.C.  in 1999 where they married.
'Doležal furthered her education in the fine arts at Howard University, graduating with a master’s degree.' She began painting and made a living from it.

Anecdotal evidence supported that she had been raped during the time she was painting:

"One of Doležal’s paintings was at a convention center in San Francisco, where her and a trusted mentor went out to dinner together to celebrate the sale. As soon as Doležal looked away, the mentor slipped gamma-hydroxybutyric acid, also called the “date-rape drug,” into her drink. According to Doležal, her mentor took advantage of her that night. She said suing was nearly impossible due to the amount of wealth the man had. “I can never trust anyone to bring me a drink again, you know, because it was a trusted person,” she said."

After graduating from Howard University, Doležal and her husband moved to Bonner’s Ferry, Idaho, where she gave birth to their baby boy named Franklin.

In 2003, her family moved to Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, where her relationship with her husband became unhealthy.

Anecdotal evidence supported that she had been in an abusive relationship with him:

"According to Doležal, her ex-husband was abusive to her and even their son. At two years old, little Franklin would intervene between Doležal and her ex-husbands violence and “he would sometimes get thrown across the room,” she said. She made the decision for her and the protection of her son to divorce her husband in 2004.


The article further states:


"In 2006, Doležal developed cervical cancer. During chemotherapy, she decided to keep her incredibly long, blonde dreadlocks she had had and still puts them on today. She was considered cured in 2008."


"In Idaho, Doležal took on the role as director of the Human Rights Institute, where North Idaho white supremacy groups burglarized every home she and her son lived in. Doležal said she believes the white supremacy groups felt threatened by female power. According to Doležal, they hung nooses in her home, vandalized and stole from her property, directed death threats toward her along with threatening to kidnap Franklin while he was in the second grade. She reported all of these acts to the police and each was admitted into police records as hate crimes, yet the culprits were never caught. Doležal moved from home to home and everywhere she moved, they followed. The hate crimes finally ended when she moved to Spokane in 2012."

But then the hole gets deeper in a different article: She was able to establish herself in the BlackLivesMatter movement.


Now something about her story doesn't wash with me. She said she moved to Idaho with her ex husband. Where is this child named Franklin? Who is her ex husband? What are his whereabouts? Where are the domestic violence police reports? Where is the lawsuit for the man who raped her when she was making a living on her paintings? Does she have any paperwork on this since it was nearly impossible to sue him? Where are her test results that showed she developed cervical cancer and was cured?  Where is her diploma? Are there any records that she even attended Howard University and taught any classes related to the African American experience? Where is her yearbook photo? What accomplishments has she made in Spokane? Did her Black husband know about her fabricating the hate crimes? What was she like in her Montana hometown? 

Now people will say  maybe it was a grand exercise of self hate, and will attempt to link her to various rap artists. Rachael Dolezal's case is not like that because everybody knew the artists were White.

And for those who will say otherwise need to GET ALL THE WAY THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT BULLSHIT. Here's why

Those artists didn't attempt to put Blackness on as a costume and take it to the extreme where she created an entire identity by using very harmful lies. The attempt to gloss over those lies is a calculated attempt to say they were harmless. She will ruin lives by lying about being raped. She lied about being beaten by her ex husband. She fabricated hate crimes in order to keep up the lie.

She's digging in as far as she can to the point where she's calling people racist for not allowing her to continue with her delusion.

Some people will say she's mentally ill, and shrug it off as mental illness without exploring the troublesome nature of this situation.

But it looks like,all of this is something used to fool White people into believing that all a person has to do is pretend to be Black in order to "get anywhere", and that racism is fake.

That sentiment doesn't surprise me. In fact, that's what racists want you to think. So here we have a White woman from Northern Idaho who left her hometown in order to create a new life. She came from the same town where the Aryan Nation Headquarters was once located. She moved to Spokane, a city known for its racism. In fact, the biggest movement in Spokane is the Northwest Front, which describes itself as a "political organization of Aryan men and women in the United States and Canada, of all ages and social backgrounds, who recognize that an independent and sovereign White nation in the Pacific Northwest is the only possibility for the survival of the White race on this continent."

Could this be the reason why Clippers owner, Donald Sterling, who was outed for housing discrimination in Los Angeles was given a Lifetime achievement award, even though the person who gave it to him has resigned over the fallout?  Could this really be the motive behind what she was doing? Did she really "play the race card" by crying rape, domestic abuse, and by dressing up as Black in order to gain "access" to alleged privileges? But then again, I'm not surprised. The race card was placed in the deck to be played by people in order to keep other people "in their place". If they could disguise themselves as a leader of an organization, take the history of said organization, use it against the people they want to keep 'in their place' only to "rise" as an advocate in order to "fight" against the establishment that created the race card in the first place, making for the ultimate "Fuck You!" towards an undesired group of people would be a racist dream of epic proportions. I mean, after all, they seem to really enjoy propping Black people up in order to throw them under the bus, as well as using their own conservative media heads to do so, so I wouldn't put it past them to hide as a Black person in order to maintain the idea.

Personally, I think that's what she represents, and could be what she had in mind. Here's why:

Doing so will not only discredit the people who are fighting against the laws, policies, and institutions that are invested in the race card, but it would also erase their validity, their concerns, and their history.

Many people have tried to occupy Black spaces and they chose to do so by any means necessary. Some of the easiest ways to do so are by trolling pages geared toward Black issues,and the online personal profiles belonging to Black individuals. They will use their own online profiles to do so and will also create fake Black profiles in order to win arguments surrounding racial issues. Black memes get created in order to sully their image, poke fun, or engage in racist spew. They even go so far as to make fake facebook pages geared towards it, and fudging racial statics. Another thing that stood out was this:
 
"The city of Spokane is also investigating whether Dolezal misidentified her race in an application to the Office of Police Ombudsman Commission, on which she serves. Dolezal said she had several ethnic origins on the application, including white, black and American Indian."


People will say, "Maybe she's just crazy." Sure,I believe that. Because what kind of person would lie like that in order to try to prove her existence is not an illusion? She's just trying to preserve her status, and I really don't think she wants to preserve the Black one because if she did, she would have tried to fight injustice while remaining White the entire time.

It just goes to show you:

Believing in the legend of White Supremacy will make a person do strange things.

The "Race is a Social Construct" Movement

Let's start with the White NAACP Member who played Black.  Now I know the NAACP was actually founded by White people, so let's move on.  Aside from finding out who cosigned this, but not being surprised that she belongs to  the same group that gave Donald Stearling a Lifetime Achievement Award, I am baffled. Now, people will say she was a White ally. Some will say that she wanted to help so bad that it was the only way she could.  But the question I'd like to ask is Why did she feel the need to dress up in Black face and do something like that? She even went so far as to get black people to pose with her for photos so she could pass them off as family members. She invented a natural hair journey. She went to Howard University and she taught African Studies.  So I did some digging, and I decided to look into the situation where her parents revealed her ethnicity.  It looks like we have ourselves a con artist. And those who don't see why can GETTHEFUCKOUTTA HERE!  Here's Why:

Now there is this twitter movement called #WrongSkin that has popped up. It's also used in conjuction with the Transracial movement. This will be a mass diversion in order to keep people from recognizing real issues that have happened and continue to happen. This will be the reason that will justify any and all racist attitudes towards us. This is exactly why the media got people to pay attention to Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner and the transformation.

She will play the victim. People will say she was an ally. But if she were such an ally, why did she have to dress up? Not only that, she might have fabricated hate crimes in order to make the experience "more authentic".  

People will cling to the fact that the NAACP was started by Whites to justify her stance and supporters. This is not the first time something like this has happened. This idea has been brought to light in the past in order to solidify beliefs that American Black people are not who they say they are, and they use their skin color to "get by". That belief  has already been worked into the media.

This person is part of a big smear campaign.  They are looking for ways to derail and destroy the credibility of Black people.  This is proof that skin color still matters to Whites because she was able to do all of that in order to maintain the illusion that Blacks are using their skin color to get by.And by crying wolf (manufacturing hate crimes) is a good way to discredit racism since it has definitely encouraged it.  Also, the comparison of her with Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner  is an attempt to re-steer the social construct called "race" since they defined it in the first place.  Needless to say, they're trying to manipulate and change what race means, and keep it on their terms since the previous terms led to a huge blow to those efforts ever since people started figuring out how laws were passed to uphold the illusion of White supremacy. 

I Can't Anymore.

Sigh.


I saw this article where Chicago police were posing with guns in a photo with a Black man wearing antlers. They have this Black dude dressed as a deer.

They clearly see Black people as animals to be hunted.

Am I surprised?  Hell no, I'm not surprised. I'd have to be born yesterday or be from another planet in order to be surprised by this. The evidence has been there for years.

In my experience with police, and other White people in positions they feel are more"powerful" than mine, they act like this.

White people working in shopping centers and grocery stores all across the country will stalk Black people in hopes to catch them "in the act". They will even stalk Black people in states where there aren't many Black people.  Hell, they will even let White people steal from their stores as long as they have a single Black person in the vicinity to make sure they aren't the ones stealing stuff.
They will stalk us in museums, they will stalk us in our own neighborhoods, and I'm sure they'd stalk us while using the bathroom if they could.

Because deep down inside, they want to catch their very own Negro, and get recognition for it (if you really look at these situations) be it through police work, through satisfying carnal urges, shits and giggles or, anything that allows the chance to get a pat on the back, I mean anything.

And they do it to the point of compromising themselves and their characters. They're willing to sink so low that they even pretend to be Black on the internet in order to win arguments on race.
It's like they can't stand on their own even if they needed to save their own life. And they will sacrifice their own in order to not be accountable for anything.

It reminds me of the "(insert dead White person) was killed by a Black person. Why didn't anybody rally for (the name of the dead White person)?" argument.

But when you look into all of the situation, that Black person was locked up for their crime, and justice had been served.

But the person with that shoddy argument didn't care enough about the dead White person to do any research on the situation. They just threw one of their own under the bus so they could justify their racism, fuckery, and disgusting behavior.  In reality, they never cared about the dead White person. They just care about maintaining the circle jerk.

They will even excuse child molestation just so they could keep up the illusion provided by a tv show to the point of creating petitions. 

They want to act like they really care about their communities, but will go through lengths to hide crime in their own neighborhoods by relying on race statistics, and profiling anybody who isn't White. But then cry about how nobody cares when White people die. They will call their neighborhoods safe, but will justify shitty behavior and crime just to keep up the illusion.

The Waco Texas Biker shooting is a great example. They straight up had a gang rivalry shootout at a biker bar where nine people were killed, and eighteen were injured. Not only that, when the police came, both gangs teamed up to shoot at the police, and they did it with real live bullets.  The police confiscated 200 guns and they are still counting (it's up to 317 at the moment). The gangs even hid several of the guns in strategic areas!


They also had the luxury of getting apprehended, and arrested after the fact. I mean, look at this pic. It looks like a fucking tailgating party or something. SMMFH

No media outlets called the bikers thugs, hoodlums, or other unsavory language. Instead, the media was very careful to call the group a "club" and refer to them as "enthusiasts".  They're trying to hush this thing up and get it out of the news as soon as possible.

In fact, the media does this with many crimes involving White people. They call these situations, "brawls", fights, incidents, and they use extremely soft language. And when it gets questioned, they say the media reported it as "hard news" and didn't insert any feelings into it. Well, nobody had anything to say when Black people were being called thugs by the media. Nobody batted an eyelash when the protesters were called "violent", "terrorists", and all sorts of unsavory things.

But Mike Brown was the thug who deserved to die for not staying on the sidewalk and being accused of stealing. His killer was given a million dollars and he got the chance to do an exclusive interview.

But Tamir Rice was charged with "aggravated menacing" and "inducing panic" while playing with a toy gun.

But according to these people, Walter Scott deserved to die because he ran. BUT people neglect to understand why. He ran because he didn't want to go to jail due to back child support. They never cared to find out if he was working to pay it off.

I refuse to believe people are that basic. I refuse to believe that people are unable to see the fuckery going on here. I refuse to believe that a people who love to brag about what makes them "great" (the word 'great' being used subjectively of course) don't have the brains to go, "HEY! All of this is fucked up! All of it!"

These same people will kiss a dog in and on the mouth  but will fix their faces to give interracial couples death threats, and the result may still cause somebody to get lynched.

Really?!  They are definitely NOT that stupid. Delusional, psychotic, sociopathic and narcissistic maybe. But not stupid.

And OH! The gas-lighting!

For those who don't know what gaslighting is, here's the definition as defined by wikipedia:

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.

This is a common tactic used by people suffering from Narcissistic Personality disorder. If you'd like more information on that, here is one particular source, however there are plenty more out there. Check out as many as you can to see what I'm talking about.

That being said, I'm fucking DONE. I'm all the way finished. I can't do this anymore.

No, I'm not thinking about killing myself, but I am definitely killing any and all fuckery in my life that encompasses the shit I've been exposed to. I've been cutting folks off, and keeping as much distance as I can with people. I'm watching people, and getting everything in place. I can't and will not deal with people invested in maintaining that shit show I mentioned above. And anybody who dares to try to tell me anything against what I'm saying can GET ALL THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT BULLSHIT.  I may not even tell them to sit they asses all the way down either. There really is no telling what would happen. As young White girls say, "I can't even ..." 

And I will not even.

And if any readers choose to omit anything I say based on grammar and punctuation, then they can GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE AND SIT THEIR PUNK ASSES ALL THE WAY DOWN. Because if you really gave a damn about what was going on, you wouldn't focus on something that fucking petty.

Random Thought #4

So a couple of days ago...

I was out walking my dog, and I was thinking about everything that's going on lately.

And I got even more upset than I'm already am.

I've been depressed and very angry.

And belligerent.

And I had some really horrible thoughts that I couldn't talk about.

I started hyperventilating...

And then I got even more mad than I was before.

I knew I needed to calm myself down, so...

I asked myself the following (I know NONE of you are really ready for this, but I said to myself)...

"Do I really need to roll myself a blunt?"

I already understood why many Black people smoked weed. But it was another moment where I completely understood it loud and clear. But I didn't always think that way:

When I was a kid, I knew many people who smoked weed. I really didn't care what they did, but I knew I wasn't going to be the one. I was drug free and I was going to stay that way even though those who smoked it were okay by me, meaning reefer madness was obviously NOT real.

However I didn't want to smoke it because I was not built like that. I subscribed to the lore that said it would make you dumb and forgetful.

I prided myself for my memory (and I still do), so I wasn't interested in loosing it.

But it changed when I ended up in an accident (car vs pedestrian, and I was the pedestrian).

At that particular time, I smoked it to help relieve pain in my back and legs.

And it worked.

I was against the idea of it being good for medical reasons because I was under the impression that people wanted it legal just so they could be high all day (YES, I was judgmental as HELL for that, I know).

By then, I had dabbled with it, but I had no pain at the time so I didn't believe it could work.

But I grew some brains after experiencing real pain and having the option to relieve it after opiates and NSAIDs (over the counter pain medicines) didn't work.

Fast forward to 2012:

I was shoveling snow (because it was the only exercise I had time for during the winter) and my back began to hurt the day after. I thought it was due to the workout, but it stayed sore for a year and the pain began to spread. By then, I had had several tests done and I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis, and degenerative disk disease.

I tried smoking it again for medical purposes.

It helped me do all of the activities I enjoyed and I was very active again.

2014
After many many tests, and previously prescribed medications, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

I didn't even know what it was and why it happened.

I began to do research about it, and I found that marijuana helps ease the symptoms, and that being under unusually heavy stress for long periods of time can trigger fibromyalgia.

2015.

So here I am, dealing with Fibro and learning more about myself and dealing with my surroundings.

I find myself being short with people, and I call out foolishness more and more.

But deep down, I am angry with myself because all of my life I was always active and had physical strength.

People described me as positive, "happy go lucky" and goofy.

Now I am angry.

I'm still goofy in person though, which is nice, I guess.

However I feel like some sort of pariah.

Part of me wishes so called modern medicine would help me live a normal life.

But all it does is make me dizzy, and literally give me new kinds of headaches  (Seriously,have you ever had a jumping headache?  It really jumps inside your head! ) and all kinds of bizarre symptoms.

But I'm more alive than I've ever been before (No thanks to modern medicine).

I am more careful and patient when observing situations in order to assess them.

My critical thinking skills are sharper than they've ever been.

And I am thankful for that.

However, I can't call it.

I feel brand new, tired, and constantly in pain.

I don't even know which direction to go half of the time.

Oh well. I'll figure things out. But so far, I think I'm okay with the direction I'm headed.

Anyway, I'm going to finish off this bottle of wine.

* I never did roll that up...